Maddie has 6 chemo treatments left which consist of two different drugs: 4 Methotrexate and 2 Doxorubacin. Yesterday we went down for the Doxorubacin treatment, this chemo used to be given with another drug Cisplatin which made Maddie really sick. This would have been her first time getting just the Doxorubacin. We were told when we started this chemo that there were potential risks. Well yesterday the risk presented itself. Maddie had to have a CT scan of her lungs, a x-ray of her leg and a echocardiogram of her heart. The scans and x-ray were fine and for that we are grateful, that means the cancer has not spread, yay!!. Unfortunately we did not get the same good news with the echocardiogram. The doctors do their very best to deliver bad news but I knew before they even told me. I hadn't even gone to my car to get our stuff because I just knew we were not there to stay. The risk of this Doxorubacin is it can weaken the heart. The way they explained it to me is they measure the rate at which the heart squeezes and if it's less than 28% filtration they can't administer the chemo, Maddie's was 25%, they told us that we needed to go home for a week and hope that the heart will repair itself. Me being the worried mother started asking all kinds of questions. Is this permanent damage? They don't know yet, they will continue to monitor it. If the heart is still the same next week when we go back they will stop this chemo altogether, so of course my concern was then without that drug can the cancer come back? and all I got was "well we will discuss maybe going with other chemo drugs at that point. You basically walk a fine line when you fight bone cancer, they use the strongest chemo drugs they have and give them at such strong doses that sometimes these broken down bodies just can't take anymore. I don't really know how to feel right now, I've gone through the same kind of emotions I went through when this started, anger, helplessness, scared, frustrated and sad. I just wonder sometimes if I can watch her poor body take anymore. I know these doctors know what they are doing and I trust that everything will work out, but it's so hard to give them permission to potentially harm your child.
On top of everything else she had to have the feeding tube put back in, she can't gain weight and with the fever she had last week she had lost 4 lbs that she didn't have to lose. She is not happy at all about it,, but I'm relieved. Just knowing she's getting the nutrition she needs to get better is such a relief. She is struggling tonight with it in her throat, she said it feels like she has something stuck at the bottom of her throat and just wants to pull it out. I just can't even begin to imagine what is going through her mind. Today on my way home from work, I was wondering if Maddie will still love me when this is all over. She hates it when she doesn't have a choice in the decisions that effect her life and I don't blame her. We are just praying that her little heart will repair itself and we can get to the end of the finish line with this. We are so close!! I know that I just need to have patience, trust in the Lord and press on. We are going to the temple tomorrow night and I know we will find the peace we are looking for as soon as we get there. We definitely couldn't make it through this without the love and support of our family, friends, neighbors and ward members. Thank you all for what you have done, I really can't keep up with the thank you cards and I apologize if you didn't ever get one. Monday night a sweet boy, "Brandon Winger who is fighting his own cancer brought Maddie a giving tree full of food gift cards, jewelry, hats, money, and wristbands, it was so sweet of their family to pass this along, they had been given it by another cancer kid, now it's our turn to pass it on, what an honor. Thank you Winger family, we were touched
. Sorry this is really long. please pray that we get better news next week, we would really appreciate it.
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| "The Winger Family" |
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